We find ourselves becalmed at the moment.
So many months of thought, energy and activity were wound up in our drive towards being approved to adopt children, and we never really thought beyond.
Meanwhile, our house is busy rearranging itself - as a transformer toy might. With a little help from Freecycle we now find ourselves with several childrens beds, minus one couch and armchair, and with dust settling.
The next round of transformation is probably going to involve pictures, soft furnishings and toy boxes. Paints not used since I left art college now find themselves in the study, along with canvasses, boards, and brushes. What to paint? Disney? Rupert the Bear? Where the Wild Things Grow? The Hungry Caterpillar?
Towards the end of the year we will once again find ourselves subjected to a board of well meaning but really rather frightening opinions that matter for the “Matching Panel”. We will be judged not on our ability to parent - that has already been decided - but on our suitability to look after, nurture, love and cherish specific children we know no more than photos and a few paragraphs about.
While having the children’s best interests at heart, the panel’s knowledge and experience of both us and the children will be based on the written account of social workers. While this might sound terrifying, we feel very fortunate to know both parties. Our referees share long careers in the pursuit of the interests of children. We have come to know and respect them enormously. They carry huge resposibility - that of building a family. Think about that for a few moments. Could you do it?
During this period of limbo, we know of our “prospective” children, and fight against the compulsiont to already think of them as our own. We try not to imagine christmases, holidays and birthdays to come. We try not to imagine our family and friends coming to know them. We try not to imagine. We try.
The not imagining is perhaps the most difficult part of this journey so far.