The swirling maelstrom of thoughts cleared a little this evening while waiting for our eldest to brush her teeth. A section of my favourite book appeared in my head quite unannounced, and has refused to leave all evening. I’m thinking that if I write this down, it may make room for other thoughts.
“Father? Brave?”
“Your father has never fired a pistol nor brandish a sword, thank heavans! But he has sacrificed much for his family and put away many dreams.”
“Where did he put them?”
“He put them in a drawer. and sometimes late at night we’ll take them out and admire them. and each night, it gets harder and harder to close the drawer. But he does. And thats why he is brave.”
This passage from Peter Pan perhaps better describes this point in my journey towards being a Dad than any other. Being away from the daily routine and in the company of far flung friends afforded a rare chance to reflect - bringing the world I have forged and inhabit into sharper focus than ever before.
While the impression I give might be one of calm, assured ease at this business of “being a Dad”, it’s not something I find easy. Given the social services labelling of me as strong, dependable, unflappable, it may come as a surprise to them that I fall down just as easily as anybody else when pressed - appearances can be deceptive. Only those who know me well may notice when I am in trouble - and I am perhaps fortunate to count one or two people who can see straight through my act.
If I am online a lot late at night, I am hiding, escaping.
If I am not in touch with close friends regularly, I am burying myself.
Strangely, if I am nowhere to be found, everything is probably okay.
The last few days have reminded me of people who are important, and the time I should invest in them rather than chasing the expectations of everybody else. It’s a difficult balance to find, and I don’t expect to. It’s like John Lennon said - “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”.