I was pulled up by W last night for becoming more rubbish than normal at this whole business of being a Dad. The worst part is that I already knew.
Our sudden requirement for a new car, a black hole in our bank account the size of Texas, and the never ending requirement to put new shoes and clothes on our children had focussed my mind entirely on making money. The most obvious route to making that money has been the freelance web design work I have been doing recently - but in taking on the work, I saw only the money I might earn - not the effort required, the amount of time it would take me away from my family, or the effect it might have on me as a person.
I began thinking about taking on freelance work late last year. It came as quite a surprise that projects fell into my lap immediately - one after another - and continue to do so. While the interest in hiring my skills has been both exciting and flattering, it was also dangerous. I remember a line from a book I once read…
If you want to make somebody work twice as hard for only a little more money, call them a “Manager”
I think it applies to skilled professions too - like web design and development for instance. Tell somebody they are good at something, and they will invariably go above and beyond the call of duty to satisfy your requests. When the time they are spending on that is already their own time because they have a day job, it’s a recipe for disaster.
I think the solution is going to be learning when to say “no”. When a late request comes in for something to be changed “as soon as possible”, that doesn’t mean “right now”. “As soon as possible” needs to be on my terms - balanced not only against the workload I already have, but also against the time I spend with my family - which should perhaps be regarded as the most valuable resource I have.
I have now seen the result of not investing time into my family, and it’s not great. Arriving home from work with the prospect of several hours additional work ahead of you - at least in my case - means you go head down, and try to get things done. This would be fine if your family comprised of rational, self sufficient people - but of course no family is.
Asking a three year old to tidy up does not actually result in much getting done - she will invariably be distracted by a painting stuck to the door as she carries a jigsaw back to the playroom, start singing a song about it, and then go off to play with the teddy she forgot she stuffed in her shoe earlier. The five year old will complain at this point that nobody is helping tidy up, or that she “didn’t get this out”… the eight year old will sulk because you’ve just switched the television off in the middle of “Power Rangers”, and stomp off to her bedroom. When you have other things to do, the natural reaction is to go on the warpath.
But they are children. They are doing what children do. It’s easy to forget that.
The other thing that’s easy to forget is that your better half has spent the entire day waging war with the children, and is pretty much shattered by the time you get home. She’s invariably walked four or five miles during the day - to playgroup and back, and to school and back twice… She’s dealt with five hundred requests of “can we have”, and “I want”, and countless claims of “[insert child name] hurt me!”. When I arrive home, I should be affording her the chance to have a break - not locking myself away night after night to chase a second career.
Where am I going with this?
I guess I just need to learn how to slow down a little - how to tell those who might hire me that “ASAP” is actually next week at the moment, and the fact that I have nothing planned for the next several nights is nothing to do with them… those nights are for W, the children, and myself.